what is a friend?
(warning: moral revelations of the caliber of the apocryphal 12-year-old tumblr user incoming)
like most words, "friend" is not a crisp line in the sand, but a cluster of concepts, creating a spectrum along which people will fall; some friends are closer than others. for example
- a friend is somebody I share hobbies and interests with, maybe even do them together with
- a friend is somebody I know a lot about, and who knows a lot about me; our personalities, our motivations, our life stories, our dreams
- a friend is somebody I trust, and who trusts me
- a friend is somebody I'm comfortable being near, and who is comfortable being near me
- a friend is somebody I connect with, we think in similar ways with similar motivations and easily understand each other
does friendship have to be mutual? I could know a lot about and share hobbies with a celebrity who wrote a detailed autobiography, or a streamer who overshares. I feel connected to Edgar Allan Poe when I read a poem of his. Obviously, Edgar Allan Poe and I are not friends. they call these parasocial relationships, which sound lesser than social relationships, and they're probably right. on the other hand, surely some of the time when I think "I wish I had more friends" the underlying thing I want is obtainable through parasocial relationships
how do i make friends?
well, what do i mean by that? some are easier than others. it's easy to find people who share a specific hobby or interest of mine, by googling or even asking around; it's an objective question, easy for others to answer. i can cold DM people. i've done it before!
it takes work to trust and become comfortable around somebody, but probably there are many, many people out there i could do that with, and there's lots of science around that — 36 questions1 and stuff. i just need to pick specific people, and they need to agree. humans always predict that we'll like deep conversations less than we do.2
if i want somebody i connect with, though, i need to both find a fairly specific kind of person and put effort in to know them.
how do i make friends? what if I cold DMed somebody, "Do you want to be friends?" it's a strange question, something you ask on the kindergarten playground, not adult to adult... right? why not? what would I do, if somebody DMed me, "Do you want to be friends?"
I'd be a little alert or wary. Am I getting catfished? Targeted by a nation-state spy? will they ask me to playtest their malware? but let's put that aside and assume I am able to become confident that they are genuine. Then what?
my second fear would be that they have few or no other friends and have some need they are trying to fulfill, like somebody to trauma-dump to.
be more generous. do they want a job? career advice? to share music? maybe they think my blog is cool, do i think their blog is cool? that would be cool. i might actually say yes